Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson return to ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE.
Confession: this trailer actually isn’t that terrible.
In fact, it’s kind of alarming to me how not terrible this trailer is. It has everything a decent action movie should have: several different factions uniting into a subversive group battling an iron-fisted governing body, a bunch of creepy people in robes, some nebulous powerful water happening indoors, a snow-laden battleground, and a glaring advertisement for Child Protective Services. So why should that put me off? Let me explain. No, it takes too long. Let me sum up:
The Twilight Saga, known in some circles as “A Perfectly Routine Child Abandonment Gone Horribly Wrong,” is a catastrophically acted series with an unbelievably fucked up message. This has been rehashed over and over, but my particular favorite is a hilarious multiple-post breakdown of the books and their direct reflection of Stephenie Meyer’s Mormon values. And even though this trailer may seem suspiciously less awful than the other movies in the series, that, too, is an issue. Some comments on the Youtube video noted that Kristen Stewart pulls more than one face, one tone of voice, and actually does something proactive in the series. You know, other than just biting her lip and being a bafflingly valuable shut-in. Okay, so wait, let me make sure I have this right. Bella Swan/Cullen/whateverthefuck is now a vampire. And a wife. And a mother. Apparently, this means that now that she’s had a child and sacrificed her personhood to become exactly the same as her husband, she is magically capable of fighting. Because a woman has nothing to empower her until she has a kid and a husband, amirite?
This is what sickens me about this series. Sexism just runs rampant and girls are like “I can’t wait to find my own Edward Cullen! *swoon*.” And that dynamic just sticks stubbornly until the very end. This is probably at least a little damaging. After all, thanks to my childhood crush on Batman, my ideal man is brooding, brilliant, and comes complete with a cave, exceptional muscle definition, and a lot of money. I’m just kidding. The cave is optional.
Just for some added but purely tangential outrage, I recently saw a Twilight Tribute Magazine (??? apparently this is a thing) in a store which referred to the saga as one that “defined our generation.” That rules, because it means that by being defined by Harry Potter, my generation is infinitely more awesome than the one after.
There is one good thing about this movie, though: it’s the last one! After this, the Fallout of Child Abandonment series is over. Thank God.